Today we’re going to talk about five ways to improve your communication skills, connecting increases your influence in every situation for the foundation of the teaching. Today i want to make sure that we really have a grasp of why connecting with people is so vital, so if you’ll go to the very first sentence in your note to the number. One criteria for advancement and promotion for professionals is an ability to communicate effectively, that i do believe, i think the ability to connect and communicate, so number one criteria for success with your family with your marriage, with your children, with your friends in the workplace.
The marketplace in the community, if you have the ability to connect with people, if you can communicate and connect not just communicate. It takes you and literally gives you an eye a decided edge over others in the advancement of what we’re trying to accomplish. I’d like to suggest that there are four really powerful cornerstones foundations that we can stand on. If we want our speech to be powerful and to make change in the world fortunately these things spell a word the word is hail and it has a great definition as well. I’m not talking about the stuff that falls from the sky and hits you on the head. I’m talking about this definition to greet or acclaim enthusiastically which is, i think how our words will be received if we stand on these four things. So what do they stand for see, if you can guess the honesty, of course being true in what you say being straight and clear is authenticity.
Just being yourself a friend of mine described it as standing in your own truth. Which i think is a lovely way to put it the integrity being your word. Actually doing what you say and being somebody people can trust and the l is love. I don’t mean romantic love but i do mean wishing people well for two reasons, first of all i think absolute honesty may not be what we want. I mean my goodness you look ugly this morning and perhaps that’s not necessary tempered with love. Of course honesty is a great thing but also if you’re really wishing somebody well it’s very hard to judge them at the same time. I’m not even sure you can do those two things simultaneously, so hail also now that’s what you say and it’s like the old song it is, what you say it’s also the way that you say it. You have an amazing toolbox this instrument is incredible and yet this is a toolbox. That very few people have ever opened, i’d like to have a little rum edge in there with you.
Now just pull a few tools out that you might like to take away and play with which will increase the power of your speaking register. For example now falsetto register may not be very useful most of the time but there’s a register in between, i’m not going to get very technical about this for any of you who are voice coaches you can locate your voice however. So if i talk up here and my nose you can hear the difference, if i go down here and my throat which is where most of us speak from most of the time but if you want weight you need to go down here to the chest you hear the difference. We vote for politicians with lower voices it’s true. Because we associate depth with power and with authority that’s register and we have tambour. It’s the way your voice feels again the research shows that we prefer voices which are rich smooth warm like hot chocolate.
Well, if that’s not you that’s not the end of the world because you can train go get a voice coach and there are amazing things. You can do with breathing with posture with exercises to improve the timbre of your voice. Then pros of the aisle of pros idle. This is the sings on the meta language that we use in order to impart meaning it’s route 1 for meaning in conversation. People who speak all on one note are really quite hard to listen to, if they don’t have any prose idea at all that’s where the word monotonic comes from or monotonous.
Monotone also we have repetitive prose idle now coming in where every sentence ends, as if it were a question when it’s actually not a question it’s a statement and if you repeat that one over and over it’s actually restricting your ability to communicate through prose idly. Which i think is a shame so let’s try and break that habit pace. I can get very excited by saying something really really quickly or i can slow right down to emphasize and at the end of that.
Of course is our old friend silence it’s nothing wrong with a bit of silence in a talk is there. We don’t have to fill it the thumbs and ours can be very powerful, of course pitch often goes along with pace to indicate arousal but you can do it just with pitch where did you leave my keys where did you leave my keys it’s a slightly different meaning in those two deliveries and finally volume. I can get really excited by using volume. If i startled anybody or i can have you really pay attention by getting very quiet some people broadcast. The whole time try not to do that that’s called sod casting imposing your sound on people around you carelessly and inconsiderately not nice.
Of course where this all comes into play most of all is when you’ve got something really important to do it might be standing on a stage like this and giving a talk to people. It might be proposing marriage asking for a raise a wedding speech whatever it is. If it’s really important you owe it to yourself to look at this tool box and the engine, that it’s going to work on and no engine works well without being warmed up. Warm up your voice i can say to you continue to do what you’re doing and working on yourself and working on your mindset and your presentation power, because once you open your mouth as he said. The world will now know who you are.
Your ability and write this down to tell your story is key its major and how you present yourself. Why is that important mr. Brown? Because when you meet someone and you want to do business with them, people are asking three questions, one on one small groups of large groups they’re asking who are you? What do you have and why should i care that’s what? They’re asking because in the business where you are trust is important. Am i correct? Confidence is important am i correct?
It’s a lot of skepticism around the industry because of things that have happened a major investment that people have to make am i correct? So, now they’re looking at you who are you and so your ability? To tell your story who are you what do you have? Your ability to communicate that in a way that will connect with people in a way. That will expand their minds in a way, that will touch their heart in a way, that will cause them to say this is the person, that i want to put my trust in this is a person that i believe in this major decision. That our family is about to make now that we should go with how many of you know that’s real raise your hands please.
One of the things, i observe is simply this a lot of people are very careless with their language and so you know there’s a huge shift. You can either be a victim or you can be a leader but you can’t be both and if you look at someone, who is a victim a lot of their victimhood. Comes down to the words they use. I mean the words you use either lift up your energy the words. You use either make you more creative the words, you use either allow you to do world-class things or the words, you use deny your talents the words, you use could reduce your energy the words, you use could hurt your leadership so you have a choice every day at work and at home and out on the streets with strangers. You can develop a victim vocabulary or the language of leadership and in this mastery session, i want to walk you through some of my insights on those.
Well words are powerful, i mean words have destroyed nations, i mean think about the great dictators. They’re words of hatred they’re words of toxicity, they’re words of breakdown because the people around them to do sometimes incredibly terrifying acts and then you look at people like a nelson mandela or much luther king jr. Or mother teresa. You look at the great business builders, you look at humanitarians, you look at a lot of the great artists and they were so careful with their words and their words lifted people up and that’s really what great leaders do.
They use the language of leadership you look at a victim and they say things like this is a problem i’ve got a problem right here or i’m really scared about this or i hate that client or i hate this work or i’m sick of this day or i’m exhausted or i don’t like that or she never likes me it’s literally the language of toxicity and the words you use really are like a context or a framework or a stained-glass window on the way. You see the world i mean here’s a game-changing insight, you see the world not as it is, you see the world as you are, you see the world through a lens and your language forms that lens of belief i mean your lens of belief and your personal filter on reality is not really a true filter on reality. It’s just the filter on reality that has formed as a result of all the words.
You’ve picked up from the moment you were born so when you were a little baby your mom and your dad use the language that they were taught when they were kids to use and if they use the language of victim it is and if they lose the language of victimhood. Well you know you can’t do this i hate this. I’m tired of this money doesn’t grow on trees be ordinary. If you’re successful you’ll be hated all that messaging that we pick up from our parents and the media and the world around us and our peers. The little kids that we used to play with in the playground or the friends that we had is teenagers that will either lift us up or tear us down.
So i guess what i’m trying to say and hopefully i’m making the point clearly for you but we see the world through this personal filter and a lot of this personal filter that drives our performance and our behavior is really constructed from the words that we’ve picked up and then the words. We are taught to use and so the right-angle turn for you to create exponential energy mindset, productivity, creativity results in the world. Results in your life comes down to in part a really intelligent use of your words and like i said at the beginning of this mastery session, most people are really unconscious about their words and that’s why most people are not getting rare error results. So what are some of the words i encourage you to shift from.
Well don’t talk about what you hate to do, talk about what you love to do. Don’t talk about problems, talk about opportunities. Don’t talk about what makes you tired, talk about what makes you inspired. Don’t talk about your past, talk about your future. Don’t talk about what broke, your heart talk about what opens your heart. Don’t talk about what they spirits you, talk about what you are fueled by. Don’t talk about the things within your life that are not working, talk about the things in your life that are working. Don’t talk about your pain, talk about your pleasure and you know if i were sitting with you right now, i am coaching you and what i would encourage you to do, as soon as i finish this mastery session is pull out your journal and if you’re not journaling please start journaling because journaling is a ritual. You want to install into your days joan didion said this, i don’t know what i think until i write it down think about that i don’t know what i think until i write it down and so in your journal after this mastery session.
Pull out a fresh page and draw a line down the center of the page and write about the language of victimhood and the language of leadership and start to write down all the words you use in the sentences.
Your employ that really are speaking that are really victims speak and then in the other column i want to start writing down the language of leadership. The language that of today you will be committed to using so that you start to use the language of some of those world class and i’ve given you some examples but doing that exercise will make it really clear and as you know clarity breeds mastery bottom line is this. You are built to be a leader you are not constructed to be a victim and once you get your words right. You are going to start noticing daily shifts in your energy, your focus, your momentum, your confidence and your output and when you start getting those words.
You start lifting your professional life your personal life to a whole new level of wow and guess what that is what you are meant to do? Many nervous speakers distance themselves physically. If you’ve ever seen a nervous speaker present he or she will say something like this. Welcome i am really excited to be here with you they pull as far away from you. As possible because you threatened us speakers, you make us nervous so we want to get away from you we do the same thing linguistically we use language that distances ourselves it’s not unusual to hear a nervous speaker say – something like one must consider the ramifications or today. We’re going to cover step 1, step 2, step 3 that’s very distancing language to be more conversational. Use conversational language instead of one must consider say, this is important to you. We all need to be concerned with do you hear that inclusive conversational language has to do with the pronouns instead of step 1, step 2, step 3. First what we need to do is this the second thing? You should consider is here use conversational language rapport is power earlier today. We said anything you want to achieve anything, you want to learn master experience. There’s somebody out there who has a life experience.
The understanding the network the capital the thing you need to be able to achieve it but they’re not going to give you what they want or they’ll give you what you want. Rather a need until you first give them what they want need and you’re not even going to find out what they want need until you first get in a relationship of rapport. If you don’t do that you’re never gonna learn anything. Report our, what is a relationship of rapport. Rapport means total responsiveness between people. When someone is totally responding to you and you’re totally responding that you’re in rapport. There’s that connection it’s that spark that happens in certain communications or relationships.
Now everybody wants to create rapport, have it but most people only get rapport with people who are like whom themselves and they lose with everybody else. Which means you’ve got a very limited world so we want to take it to a different level. So let’s say for example if i said to you right now guys i want you to go out to a local restaurant or bar and i want you to meet somebody and i want you to develop rapport with them, i can actual them how many feel like you to do that. No problem, say i and if you’re not raising your hand you’re probably selling yourself short. Of course you could, how would you do it though you walk in this restaurant a bar you meet somebody and you engage them in conversation by asking a few what questions. Now is it possible to ask a few questions and have a conversation go boom just die. Is that possible? Yes or no, so questions don’t create rapport questions or a tool use to dig for something what are you digging for? We ask these questions you’re trying to find something in what that’s right so write your notes rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a feeling of commonality.
We people we feel like we have something in common with someone, there’s a spark now here’s the problem if rapport is created by feeling of commonality, most people try to get rapport by using words but you’ve already learned something what percentage of our communication skills are words? Seven percent, which means you’re leaving out ninety-three percent of your skills. Which is why most people don’t get rapport with a large number of people. We need you to walk on a restaurant a bar and go, hii what’s your name? Where are you from? Why are you here? Person says my name is abbey, i’m from iraq, i’m a terrorist, i’m here to kill people and you go amazing me too.
Ooh! Now see words don’t always work do they but there is something that always works to get rapport and that’s something called matching and mirroring matching and mirroring now matching and mirroring came about 35 years ago. When it’s we’ve all done matching airing our whole lives but the person who pointed out was milton erickson. Dr. Erickson was a genius. What he did? He was a medical doctor but he also was a psychologist and a hypnotherapist. Probably the best that ever lived and people would come to see him. Who try to change everything anywhere else. In their life nothing at work they see him for one session. He’d handle it and the reason is because he understood something, he understood that you have both a conscious mind in his subconscious mind and he knew the subconscious is more powerful.
It’s a part that makes your heart beat a hundred thousand times a day without him to think about so he knew if he could influence your subconscious mind he could change anything and that’s what he did. But here’s how he did it he had polio. So he was in a wheelchair so he spent an enormous amount of time studying people and he begain to notice something about human beings. That when human beings got together if they got in rapport a relationship of responsiveness. They became like each other in a variety of ways what he called they mirrored each other.
Now i’ve taught this for 25 years. I’m sure you’ve heard of it i’ve written in my books and it’s been taught in a variety of other areas now, but it’s one thing to know it intellectually or to understand it’s another thing to know it what you’re doing, it that’s what i want to get you to do tonight. So you have a real experience of it that you won’t forget, but here’s the basis of it people like people who are like whom themselves and people don’t like people who are not like themselves to be more specific write this down people like people who are like themselves or who are like how they would like to be people like people who are like themselves or are how they would like to be people like people are like themselves or how they would like to be.
So question, i’d like you to think of someone you really-really like a lot and then if you would raise your hand this person is either like you or they’re like how you want to be. If that’s true enhance, ail of course that’s why i like them now think of someone you don’t like. I’m sure you like everyone but if you once were a nun spiritual person and felt these feelings. Some of you don’t like raise your hand up they’re not like you or they’re not like how you want to be. If that’s true raise your hand say and that’s the opposite people don’t like people who are not like them or are not like how they want to be that’s the bottom line of it.
So this concept erickson noticed he used it in the following way watch me. If you came to see dr. Erickson instead of talking to you intellectually and try to get through to you. He’d go right for the jugular by getting your nervous system, connected to him getting rapport. So if you came to him and you said “dr. Erickson i don’t know this is a waste of time i’ve tried everything and i don’t know i think i should just go” he would do this, he’d go i’m sure it looks that way on the surface but you haven’t tried this so you haven’t tried everything and i think you should stay the person go. Something about this guy i like you know he’s not over the top. You know i mean he’s like really real there’s just somebody in the feels down-home and real to me right. If you came to see him as a dr. Erickson, i’ve tried everything as a waste of my time. I’m out of here he’d say you out. You haven’t tried everything, you’ve not done this before you’re staying right here. Okay, i like this guy’s got some spunk kick ass. Maybe he could do some see he became like the pee blues communicating with and what it was is whatever they put out he sent the same message back like biofeedback and then trained them to him.
So that when he didn’t told her unconscious what to do their brain just did it. That was his power so my personal take on this on improving your communication skills comes down to authenticity. I think there are definitely tricks and tools and ways to position yourself. That can work, but at the end of the day for me it’s about being authentic whether that’s talking somebody one-on-one and communicating just with them or whether that’s one too many like this for you guys or in front of a group or doing a presentation. I think the authenticity is super important and so if you’re talking to somebody why you know if you’re trying to show appreciation. You’re trying to thank them for something then tell them, what it actually means to you. If you’re getting on stage and talking about your product or service tell them what that actually means to you. Whether it’s the product itself, whether it’s the opportunity to be there just being more you being more human, showing more emotion and being authentic. I think really matters i think too many people have surface-level conversations.
What’s the first thing that you always tell somebody or ask somebody? When you meet them, it’s well how are you doing there, how was your weekend and you fall into the same pattern of talking about stuff. Just to fill the void and not actually get to anything deep and meaningful, where if you can get into the practice of really being authentic of listening to somebody or expressing concern or sharing. What you’re excited about with emotion and not just staying at that surface level again. Whether it’s community one on communicating one-on-one or communicating to a grownup. I feel like it’s really important and i don’t know that i am necessarily the best communicator in the world, but i’ve always had more success in getting my message across, when it’s coming from here and when i can try to express that even though i use the wrong words. You never use the wrong gestures even if i’m nervous or awkward when i’m saying something, that is deeply meaningful and personal to me when i’m that authentic then the message tends to connect that much better and i hope it helps you too.
So thank you guys so much for reading because someone asked me to so if there’s a topic you’d like me to cover in the next edition of believe life. Leave the comments below and i’ll see what i can do i’d also love to know what you learned today. What was the most important lesson you took from this article, what changes are you going to make in your communication skiles styles or what are you going to try out what’s something new different that you’re going to try to change after reading this article. Leave in the comments below. Thank you guys so much for watching have an amazing day continue to believe or whatever your one word is and i’ll see you soon.